So Don't Be Afraid To Let Them Show
by Citizenjess
Summary: "Charles is born Charlotte Francine Xavier, and he knows from a young age that he is different." Set in pre- and post-"First Class" canon. Features FTM!Charles.


Summary: "Charles is born Charlotte Francine Xavier, and he knows from a young age that he is different." Ended up unofficially borrowing Table 30-B from the 100-prompts LJ community for this. I used movie canon, so this is meant to follow pre- and post-"First Class" canon fairly succinctly. Title is from Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors."

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><p><strong>So Don't Be Afraid To Let Them Show<strong>

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><p>01. Lively: Charles is born Charlotte Francine Xavier, and he knows from a very young age that he is 'different'; not just because he can read minds, but also because he realizes that he's not meant to be a girl.<p>

02. Remorseful: It's a cruel joke that Charles' mother seems to think, back when she makes an effort to think of him at all, that Charles looks best in the frilliest dresses, in pale pastels and floral prints and yards and yards of lace.

03. Dismiss: "I like these ones, Mum," Charles tells his mom at one point, tugging a pair of boyish-looking trousers from the clothing rack; he's not surprised when his mother sets them back from whence they came dismissively, as though they carry some sort of disease.

04. Heavy: He takes his mother's sewing scissors to his hair, trimming it messily until the long strands are but a heavy clump on the bathroom floor; his mother glares at him during the entire trip to the hairdresser, and he tries not to cry when he hears her snort, "she's just going through this phase" and the buxom woman trying unsuccessfully to reshape what he's wrought laughs.

05. Forward: When his powers manifest, Charles realizes that he can, at least for a short time, make his mother think that she had a little boy all along; and then he always takes care to ensure that she never remembers these times, these afternoons and evenings of acceptance and sheer bliss.

06. Prowl: He finds the little girl prowling around in the kitchen, her true form blue and scaled, and he thinks it must be fate that she showed up here, of all places; "Charles Xavier," he tells her happily, and then he watches her eat all the food she wants.

07. Cut: They spend the rest of that summer bonding, trying on clothing found in Charles' family's attic, and curling up together at night in Charles' late father's study so Charles can read to her; Raven thinks 'Charles' is a better name than 'Charlotte,' she tells him, and helps him trim his hair whenever it gets too long for his liking.

08: Compromise: He incorporates Raven into his home - their home, technically, but his mother is rarely there, and it's not like she talks to either of them much even after Charles convinces her that Raven is her daughter - and in return, she answers his questions about what it's like to be a girl, even the ones that he isn't quite sure how to phrase in a polite way; in this manner, they compromise, and Charles tries to push his envy for something Raven can't help away.

09. Impulse: On an impulse, Charles convinces Raven to transform into him, the real him, the one he can't quite conceive of yet; when she does it, she sounds and looks exactly like Charles has always dreamed, and he looks down bashfully, not sure Raven can ever understand how much this means to him.

10. Hush: They hear Charles' mother sobbing in her bedroom, and sidle in together, Raven carefully unwrapping Sharon's fingers from the half-empty wine goblet, placing it on the end table, while Charles leans in and curls himself into her embrace, sniffing her perfume; "my beautiful boy," she whispers in his ear, and he lets her hold him and cry.

11. Morals: Charles knows it's wrong to make people believe things that aren't true, but he also knows that there's a certain thrill that comes with having those same people look at him and think, 'what a cute little boy,' and so he practices keeping up the illusion for longer periods of time, until he almost starts to believe it himself.

12. Engage: He refuses to engage in either verbal or physical sparring, and when the larger boy shoves him up against the brick wall, twisting his arm behind his back, Charles prides himself for not crying out; "fight back, you fucking girl," the other boy tells him, and that's when Charles hears someone shouting and hurrying towards them to break things up.

13. Voice: The man's booming voice echoes through the empty halls of the Xavier mansion, and Charles' ears ring; "and this is ... my son, Charles," his mother tells Kurt Marko, and Charles winces when Kurt reaches out and pumps his hand in his beefy fingers.

14. Awkward: It's awkward sharing a room with Cain; the other boy is bigger, stronger, and suspicious of everything Charles says and does, and Charles is secretly fearful that, if anyone were to figure out that he's a fraud, that he's just not male enough, it would be Cain.

15. Lower: His voice isn't as low as he thinks it should be, but Raven shyly tells him that she likes it; "it's soft, it suits you," she insists, and he kisses her on the forehead in silent gratitude.

16. Plead: Charles has to leave the house to return to boarding school, and Raven pleads with him to take her with him; "we could share a room," she cajoles, and then her face registers her shock when she realizes that, no, actually, they couldn't, if this ruse is ever going to continue.

17. Caring: He cares deeply for Raven, but he can't give her what she decides she wants, can't be the boyfriend that she thinks he'd be, and after several years together, he thinks she might even have begun to understand why.

18. Believe: He has to believe what he tells other people for it to work, he decides, and soon, he's perfected his swagger and the rubbish pick-up lines that nonetheless get girls into his bed; at that point, it's mostly about their pleasure, and what he can't cover up, he obfuscates with his powers.

19. Found: He finds Erik in the water that fateful night, and is startled and in awe of how carelessly the other man flaunts his bare body, how he peels off his wetsuit clear across the room from where Charles has set a spare change of clothing, and how his eyes seem to judge Charles for being flustered as he strides across the short distance and pulls on the borrowed pants.

20. Shield: He still wears boy clothes to shield his true form from everyone, floppy sweaters to hide the breasts that, albeit small, he nonetheless binds and loathes, and carefully styled hair; Raven teases him that he spends longer staring in the mirror than she does, but begrudgingly admits that the end result is passable.

21. Open: He wants to be open with Erik, wants to give back to his fellow mutant the same trust that Erik has bestowed onto him; still, every time he gets close to divulging his most painful secret, doubt clouds his mind, and he loses his nerve.

22. Tactile: They get too drunk one night, and Erik is petting him, fingers rubbing over Charles' shirt and the smooth skin of his belly, his mind singing with acknowledgment of the tactile sensations that he feels; then Charles can't tug his clothing into place fast enough, and Erik's hand brushes over his breast bindings, and their love-making is aborted when Charles bursts into tears.

23. Journey: The journey back to the mansion is a painful one, one filled with pain and destruction and the threat of war and more death hanging overhead; Charles spends most of the first afternoon wandering around in various rooms, making sure that all evidence of his previous life is tucked away securely in drawers and closets, lest anyone figures it out or wonders why he's never told them about his twin sister.

24. Scowl: Erik scowls at him over chess and plotting to bring down Shaw the next day, and then he leaves, and Charles senses that something has changed the next morning when he stares from Erik to Raven, and realizes that his sister can give Erik something that he no longer can; the knowledge sits in his stomach like a stone, and then it's time to leave.

25. Hero: He feels like a heroine bleeding out on the sand, cradled in Erik's arms; it's a far cry from his previous act of heroism, tackling Erik to the ground and taking not just one, but two punches to the face as they wrestled for control of that damned helmet, and he wonders, as Erik leaves for good, if the other man noticed the difference.

26. Writer's Choice: He eventually shows Erik what made Angel giggle so uproariously, and Erik just grins and compliments Charles on his choice of boots, and then accuses him of having a redhead fetish as he fingers the bobbed wig that seems to soften his jaw line.

27. Writer's Choice: He notices, when he sees Raven impersonating Senator Kelly on the news broadcast, that she has his wide stride, his mannerisms down pat, and he wonders if she ever thinks of his insistence that she practice being him when they were kids together, and smiles to himself.

28. Writer's Choice: "It really doesn't bother me, Charles," Erik tells him when Charles works up the nerve (after several drinks) to show him his breasts; then Erik reaches out and cups one and he shudders and pulls away, and Erik murmurs "okay, okay," his voice supplicating, and pets his back, and Charles falls asleep curled on his side, dried tear tracks on his cheeks.

29. Writer's Choice: Charles is quite good at fellatio, even though he's never had the opportunity to do it before now, and when Erik grips at his short, thick hair and utters his name ("C-Charles") in a guttural gasp, it's possibly the hottest thing he's ever heard.

30. Writer's Choice: Years later, he works up the nerve to officially change his name on important paperwork, including his birth certificate; he fingers the calligraphed letters, mouthing each word to himself - "Charles Francis Xavier," he murmurs - and at that moment, everything feels right.


End file.
